Greg Emslie

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

Everything you possibly need to know about Greg “Bigfoot” Emslie can be learned by watching the seminal 1987 film “Harry and Hendersons,” backwards, while simultaneously listening to side two of Led Zeppelin IV, also backwards, while trying to snort lines of vintage angel dust cut with vintage Clark Foam dust.  Mind you, the lines must be bumped in a spiral pattern, off the vinyl record, forwards, while a friend diligently spins the record backwards, at exactly 33 1/3 rpm.  When Robert Plant sings “bustle in your hedgerow” backwards during Stairway to Heaven, you will clearly hear a satanic voice state “Bigfoot will lose to Drew Courtney in R1.”  Meanwhile, onscreen, as John Lithgow says backwards “I wanted King Kong, you brought me a goddamn giant gerbil,” you will hear a gerbil say “Not Richard Gere again!!!”

Phillip MacDonald

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =39

The images haunt me to this day.  Yes, there is no proof.  There isn’t even a Zapruder-esque film.  But the rumors persist – Phil MacDonald sunk into a dark depression after falling off the ASP World Tour.  Facing the reality of his own post-competitive irrelevancy, MacDonald hired a media consultant who provided only one viable alternative: Ride for MacDonald’s, and ride as Ronald MacDonald.  Darkhorse Macca has never been able to rise to prominence in the States – while Ronald MacDonald is recognized by 96% of all school children in America.  Phil spurned the suggestion, with its clown makeup and wettie. He also spurned the plan to re-brand himself as a young Dr. Phil, flummoxing opponents via jovial straight-talk therapy during heats.  He chose to stay a faceless power-monger.  The Result? Two 33rds, the latest at the hands of the more marketable power-monger Taylor Knox.

Michel Bourez

Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29

Back to this whole nickname issue: Gabe Kling is lacking, as we established yesterday.  Michel Bourez?  He’s packing, baby: goes by the nickname of The Spartan.  That’s a solid handle, whether you happen to be a gay porn star or the most promising Tahitian pro surfer  we’ve seen in a decade. Surf pundits expected big things from The Spartan at the Quikpro, but unfortunately The Spartan did not deliver.  Or rather, he delivered an eyeful of a surfing style worthy of a new nickname: The Spastic Colon.  But at Bells, the Spartan was back, demolishing Roy Powers in R1.  Yet Bourez ran into a wee bit of a problem in R2: a surfer by the name of Parko.  Michel surfed admirably, put up twin 5.83’s, but fell too many times and wilted in the face of Parko’s 9.23 highwave.

Dustin Barca

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

As a child, I suffered debilitating night terrors.  I’d lash out at invisible demons, only to wake myself up screaming.  I’d sleepwalk out the front door, sneak into the house of my benevolent Godly neighbor Mr. Flanders, and piss in his coffee machine, without ever waking up.  The nightmares usually involved mutated scenes from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But in my dreams, when the pagan leader tore my heart out, and showed it to me, still beating, his face would not be that of the actor in the film.  It would be the face of Dustin Barca.  That is why, to this day, nothing scares me more than this friendly, misunderstood Hawaiian with a heart of gold, who, on a completed unrelated note, is well-trained in hand to hand combat.  Tiago “Indy” Pires (who is twice the man I am) valiantly slayed Barca in R1 at Bells.

Nic Muscroft

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29

The ASP somewhat vaguely insists that they’re moving towards a unified ratings system (heretofore a holy grail of professional surfing, much like the unified theory of everything is the holy grail of Physics, haunting Einstein till his death). Despite this, The Power Rankings, for simplicity’s sake, will focus on the official ASP Top 45.  Meaning replacement surfers like Jay Thompson are being unfairly overlooked, and wildcards like Bells finalist Adam Robertson receive only passing mention.  Like Robertson, Nic Muscroft is a previously-unknown Victorian.  Unlike Robertson, Muscroft completely squandered his best chance at making an impact on tour.  With Nic getting a 33rd at home  (Dingo made short work of the local boy, who put up only 10.17 and never held the lead) it’s hard to imagine success coming anywhere else.

Ben Dunn

Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =39

Are the Power Rankings good for pro surfing?  Often, pro surfers suggest to me that they are NOT good for pro surfers, at least, for one simple reason: I point out the obvious.  Prior to my arrival, the obvious used to be left unsaid.  Comfortably sponsored surfers believed that their obvious shortcomings would somehow not be noticed by their sponsors.  And then I ruined everything by spelling the obvious out, and some surfers became concerned that once their sponsors read the obvious online, their careers would be jeopardized.  Ben Dunn is sadly a surfer who is hiding from the obvious: he’s as boring as a Pet Rock, and that was before he started the year with two 33rds.  Worse yet, his latest loss comes at the feet of fellow Rip Curl rider Kekoa Bacalso, who is obviously a more talented, more marketable, more interesting alternative to Ben Dunn.