Today we consider a recent Surfermag article, which brings to light three of the biggest problems in surfing today: Shithouse writers, Jiu-Jitsu, and Joel Tudor.
Let's consider Joel Tudor first.
Apparently, Mr. Tudor recently woke up and realized that he was in the middle of a recession with no clothing sponsor. (He previously rode for good ol' Op.) To his credit, Mr. Tudor also realized that he was in the middle of a bull market when it came to retro-ball-licking. Putting two and two together, Joel decided to leverage his icon-status when it comes to the vigorous application of tongue to surf legend scrotum.
Simply put: Mr. Tudor decided to cash in via his very own clothing and surfboard company -
Here's where the shithouse writing comes in. In recent years, Surfer Magazine has made it company policy to hire writers who don't know their "write" from their left. Writers who couldn't "right" themselves out of a fuckin' paper sack, if they happened to be wronged inside of it.
Case in point: Surfermag's "
Yes, yes, there's nothing wrong with that, and everyone has to start somewhere... but why should we suffer through her "article," as she tries to figure out how to form a full sentence? I don't blame Sarah for trying - I blame Surfer for publishing her.
Don't believe me? Try to parse the first two paragraphs of the Tudor "article."
"Joel Tudor has fused his passion for martial arts and surfing to create his recently launched Kook Box surfboards and clothing line. The Kook Box name was pulled from Tom Blake's original fin'd, hollow boards of the 30s that were used for U.S. special forces training. These same forces that were trained in Brazilian Jiu-Jitzu and by Canadian Doctor would later be known as Navy Seals.
"Throughout the product line, images and logos from Canadian Doctor's manuscripts are used, a reminder of the martial art influence of discipline that Kook Box aspires to join with the surfing attitude."
Bitch said WHAT now? Has she been using Google Translate too?
You gotta love the new contraction "fin'd." Navy Seals? Seriously? And who in custard fuck is this Canadian Doctor? (Read the
Anyhoo... On to the third travesty: Jiu-Jitsu. When it comes to nauseating surf culture trends, I'll take Alaias over Jiu-Jitsu any day. A few years ago, I was pretty clueless about Jiu-Jitsu. I kept hearing about it in surf magazines. I pictured it as super-gnarly kick-boxing.
Not so much. Take a look at one of Joel Jitsu's videos below.
Jiu-Jitsu definitely brings to mind Fred Van Dyke's infamous "All big-wave riders are latent homosexuals" quote. It's 2009, people! If these Jiu-Jitsu guys want to have sex with other men, just go and do it. No one fuckin' cares. There's no need to channel that pent-up desire into a martial art called Jiu-Jitsu.
So I find it ironic that many of surfing's ultra-masculine he-man devote themselves to a "sport" in which most victories climax in wrapping one's sweaty thighs around a man's head and clasping his protesting face to one's balls.