Yet another post I’ll get beaten for…

Today we consider a recent Surfermag article, which brings to light three of the biggest problems in surfing today: Shithouse writers, Jiu-Jitsu, and Joel Tudor.

Let's consider Joel Tudor first.


Apparently, Mr. Tudor recently woke up and realized that he was in the middle of a recession with no clothing sponsor.  (He previously rode for good ol' Op.)  To his credit, Mr. Tudor also realized that he was in the middle of a bull market when it came to retro-ball-licking.  Putting two and two together, Joel decided to leverage his icon-status when it comes to the vigorous application of tongue to surf legend scrotum.

Simply put: Mr. Tudor decided to cash in via his very own clothing and surfboard company - KookBox.

Here's where the shithouse writing comes in.  In recent years, Surfer Magazine has made it company policy to hire writers who don't know their "write" from their left.  Writers who couldn't "right" themselves out of a fuckin' paper sack, if they happened to be wronged inside of it.



Case in point: Surfermag's "NAVY SEALS MEET TUDOR STYLE" article, written by some vanilla-wafer-genius named Sarah De Mer.  A cursory prodding o' the Google suggests that Sarah is a full-time student at Saddleback, who also enjoys baby-sitting, surfing, and being involved with the ministry.

Yes, yes, there's nothing wrong with that, and everyone has to start somewhere... but why should we suffer through her "article," as she tries to figure out how to form a full sentence?  I don't blame Sarah for trying - I blame Surfer for publishing her.

Don't believe me?  Try to parse the first two paragraphs of the Tudor "article."

"Joel Tudor has fused his passion for martial arts and surfing to create his recently launched Kook Box surfboards and clothing line. The Kook Box name was pulled from Tom Blake's original fin'd, hollow boards of the 30s that were used for U.S. special forces training. These same forces that were trained in Brazilian Jiu-Jitzu and by Canadian Doctor would later be known as Navy Seals.

"Throughout the product line, images and logos from Canadian Doctor's manuscripts are used, a reminder of the martial art influence of discipline that Kook Box aspires to join with the surfing attitude."

Bitch said WHAT now?  Has she been using Google Translate too?

You gotta love the new contraction "fin'd."  Navy Seals? Seriously? And who in custard fuck is this Canadian Doctor?  (Read the press release that Ms. De Mer basically cut-and-pasted, and things sorta make more sense.)

Anyhoo... On to the third travesty: Jiu-Jitsu.  When it comes to nauseating surf culture trends, I'll take Alaias over Jiu-Jitsu any day.  A few years ago, I was pretty clueless about Jiu-Jitsu.  I kept hearing about it in surf magazines.  I pictured it as super-gnarly kick-boxing.

Not so much.  Take a look at one of Joel Jitsu's videos below.

Jiu-Jitsu definitely brings to mind Fred Van Dyke's infamous "All big-wave riders are latent homosexuals" quote.   It's 2009, people!  If these Jiu-Jitsu guys want to have sex with other men, just go and do it.  No one fuckin' cares.  There's no need to channel that pent-up desire into a martial art called Jiu-Jitsu.

So I find it ironic that many of surfing's ultra-masculine he-man devote themselves to a "sport" in which most victories climax in wrapping one's sweaty thighs around a man's head and clasping his protesting face to one's balls.


WATERMAN LEAGUE: Janitors of Sea Unionize!

Is the ASP world tour getting you down?

Fear not: sporting salvation is on the way - the Waterman League has announced a Stand Up World Tour!


What exactly is a waterman, you ask?

In my experience, watermen are shortboarders whose egos can't deal with the dwindling wavecount that aging inevitability brings.  So they ride gigantic boards and/or employ jetskis, sails, and paddles to hog more waves, and justify it by calling themselves Watermen.

Now, like any other undereducated, under-skilled labor force, the Janitors of the Sea are unionizing: they have formed the WATERMAN LEAGUE.


Honestly, after spending a few minutes on the website of the League of Extraordinary Watergentlemen, I was tempted to think the whole thing was a parody orchestrated by a comedic genius. (Such was the opinion of reader Seaman Staines, who left the URL in yesterday's comments).

But, alas, I think this macho wankery is FOR REAL, and chock full o' caramel-covered irony...with a nougat center!

Take the Waterman League Promo video:

Did Michael Bay direct this?  I love how the first shot of a Stand Up Paddleboarder shows him waving his paddle around like a cracked-out gibbon, as he burns an actual surfer.

I also love how they leveraged footage of Kelly and Parko - as if they had something to do with this custard fuckery.

Moving on to the real topic: the Stand Up World Tour.  Let's hear the pitch!

"The Stand Up World Tour has been introduced in 2009 to embrace the emergence and exponential growth in the sport of Stand Up Paddling. At every level, we have witnessed unprecedented interest in the sport: from the all access flat water paddling that has become popular as a cross training exercise for professional athletes (Lance Armstrong) and core fitness work out for all (incl. celebrities such as Tom Hanks, Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Aniston and Pierce Brosnan) to the high performance riding in some of the most challenging waves in the world, Stand Up Paddling has touched every level of the outdoor demographic, without the traditional geographic limitations of ocean sports.

At one end of the sport, the Waterman League is supporting mass participation races and demos to encourage access for all to this incredible sport. At the other end, the organization is gathering the world’s greatest Watermen for a world championship tour like no other, held in some of the most challenging waves in the world."


Wow.  Great.  Sounds like someone is cashing in, at the expense of our line-ups.

Sign me up! How do I qualify for this tour?

"The Stand Up World Tour will consist of a prestigious 32 man fleet made up of the following: An elite Top 16 athletes (decided on by the Committee listed below) An additional 8 athletes selected from an alternate list (again the decision finalized by the Committee) A final 8 athletes made up of 4 local trial entrants in each location and 4 wild cards...

The 5 key members of the Stand Up World Tour Committee are as follows:

Ekolu Kalama (Chairman of the Committee); Bonga Perkins; Duane Desoto; Leleo Kinimaka; Chuck Patterson."

As you may have already guessed, given the absolute power to choose who's on this World Tour, "The Committee" naturally chose themselves, along with a list of primarily Hawaiian athletes.

Laird Hamilton and Scott Bass did not make the cut.

There will be three events on this Stand Up World Tour - held at Teahupoo, Ocean Beach, and Makaha.

Check out the tour trailer, again directed by Michael Bay:

My favorite part: when the guy at the end optimistically says "The sport is going to be... out of control!"  And then they cut to a couple clips of SUPers who are, well, out of control - ditching their boards or getting pitched over the falls.

It's a nice summation of the real issue with growing the sport of Stand Up Paddling.

The Watermen who aim to profiteer are skilled enough to control their equipment.  But the legions of kooks that they're encouraging to flood our line-ups on SUPs are not.

It's simply a safety issue.  Any beginner surfer, regardless of their equipment, should be strongly encouraged to hold on to their board.  But SUPs are too big for the vast majority of SUPers to control when caught inside or caught on a critical section of a wave.

The inevitable result will be an increase in injuries to other surfers, along with money in someone's pocket.  At least local emergency  rooms and chinese surfboard factories will profit!

The Op Pros

The Curren vs. Occy bout highlights the importance of choosing a stable sponsor.

Despite being a lovably unstable personality, Occy has been steadily employed by Billabong for his entire career.  Hell, they even stuck with him when he looked like Rosie O'Donnell-with-a-bad-dye-job, and smelled like Gary Busey.  (Ironically, that gamble worked so well for Billabong that they're now giving it a try with AI.)

Curren, on the other hand, was cast aside by primary clothing sponsor Ocean Pacific in '91, soon after failing to place logo stickers on his magic 7'3" Haleiwa-winning Maurice Cole.


It's been a rocky road for Op since then.  They've followed the Michael Jackson path: 80s icon turned into plastic caricature of itself, only to die suddenly and then be mass-marketed after it's death.

Granted, a few years ago, Op was on the verge of a retro-cool comeback, sponsoring Joel Tudor, Taylor Knox, and Greg Long.  Op tried to reclaim it's roots and link current California heroes to the past generations of Team Op.

But a visit to nowadays tells a different story: Click on "Team Op" and you'll find pictures of D-list Hollywood celebutantes, and no pictures of surfers.  Op now sponsors Joel Madden, the poison petifore from Good Charlotte who was stupid enough to impregnate Nicole Richie TWICE.


Last year, Op "sponsored" an impressive team that included Rumer Willis (Daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore or Mr. Potato Head and Jay Leno) and Pete Wentz.  For those fortunate enough not to know, Pete Wentz is the uber-emo-douche from Fall Out Boy who was stupid enough to both marry AND impregnate Ashlee Simpson.  Sensing a pattern here?


To cap things off, Op clothing is now exclusively sold at WalMart, which makes you wonder why they're bothering to advertise in Surfer or Surfing anymore.

Just to clarify - this is not OK.  Sponsoring Todd Holland was bad enough.  But Pete Wentz?  The man flat-irons his hair and named his cash-cow celebuspawn Bronx Mowgli.

It's an impressive thing to leverage a brand that once aligned itself with Tom Curren, and re-align it with Pete Wentz.  Third sign of the apocalypse, in fact.


Hang Loose pro Brasil contestam relatório!

Se uma coisa é certa depois do Hang Loose Pro 2009, é que o Brasil chegou como um surf nação. Adriano de Souza, reconhecida por muitos anos como o próximo Kelly Slater, perante o seu herói no final de uma competição que ficará na história como talvez a mais bela em ASP história. Apesar de ser assaltado por um júri tendenciosa na final, Minierho pode manter sua cabeça erguida, entre um mar de ariano suínos sem talento: ele é o melhor surfista jovens sobre a terra, sem dúvida.


Adriano provou o seu valor por espancamento Joel Parkinson, Bedê Durbidge, Jeremy Flores e no seu percurso para um match-up com Kelly Slater. As semelhanças entre estes dois surfistas, em extremos opostos de suas carreiras, são impressionantes. Muitos especialistas têm observado que o surf Flórida e no Brasil são como dois vermelhos-intituladas passo-filhos da mesma mãe desconexo. Em ambos os lugares, o ar está quente como um toque da mulher, as mulheres são as sereias, e as ondas estão perfeitamente adaptadas à forma surfistas em guerreiros. Flórida moldada Kelly Slater em um herói, como o Brasil tem moldado Adriano no próximo herói. Ambos os surfistas vêm de origens modestas, ambos têm tentou lutar por respeito e provar ao mundo que eles são campeões, mesmo que eles não crescem sugar os mamilos da indústria como o pouco estragada príncipes da Califórnia e Havaí.

Falando de estragado príncipes, uma das grandes tragédias do Hang Loose Pro estava sentado através significado irrelevante aquece com surfistas de talento não gosta Nathaniel Curran, Roy Powers, Ben Dunn, e Fred pistácios. Porque são surfistas como esta, mesmo em turnê? Ninguém quer vê-los surfar - fãs seria muito mais banhar na sopa do picantes talentos de Neco Padaratz, Jadson Andre, Victor Ribas e Peterson Rosa. Estes são surfistas vale do aço, que transportam a erguer-se com carácter de orgulho leões rasgando em sua carne fraca e débil antílopes presa. Mas de alguma maneira não estão em turnê, embora inútil branco demônios como Damien Hobgood aborrecer-nos a chorar.

O Hemisfério Sul Power Rankings, tendo em conta o Brasil e J-Bay, estará de volta em após a conclusão do Billabong Pro.

English Translation


Comment of the Week goes to Ballz, for re-igniting the Jordy Smith controversy known as NippleGate.  I'm not sure who first broke this story, or who first noticed that Jordy's nipples are freakishly close together.

Unlike many surf fans, I'm not particularly interested in Jordy's nipples.  But, in favor of due dilligence, I examined a few photos to check out Ballz' accusations.

And that's when NippleGate got interesting.  Take a look at Jordy's nipples in this O'Neill ad below:


Nothing unusual going on, if you judge by O'Neill's ad.

Now, take a look at Jordy's nipples in these two non-doctored photos.  Notice anything?


You don't have to be a genius to recognize that O'Neill took the unusual step of widening the stance of Jordy's nipples via the magic of photoshop.

Travesty or savvy marketing? Should O'Neill be chastized for photoshopping Jordy's nipples, or are they justified?  When you pay an estimated $1.4 million a year for some simple custard pudding bastard to wear your shorts, are you entitled to doctor their nipples?

You be the judge.

Comment of the Week

Ballz says: June 30, 2009 at 12:55 pm

This is all sidebar. What should concern us is the state of Jordy’s nipples. They are nowhere close to symmetrical. The right nip is practically in the middle of his sternum. And the left is far too close to the right. Sort of the inverse of the skank trapped between the Hamiltons,


All of this leads me to one of two conclusions. One, Jordy is in fact a robot sent back through time on a mission to rodeo his way through as many anal cougars as robotly possible. If you are to believe this theory, you must be willing to accept that the disymmetry was an oversight by Jordy’s futuristic creators. The second, and less probable scenario is that Jordy has had work done, which is to say, implants.

Let the debate ensue…
I will add that if my first theory is correct, I have hope for our future. I like the way those guys think.


Photo: Will Adler

The Fourth of July.

Images of leisure.  The color's drained out. The consequences are slim.  Hours of daylight - all of it hazy.

Watch the water beads dry on the bottom of your board.  Watch the water beads form on the skin of your glass.  Clink the ice.  Smile at her.  Keep the shades on.  Keep it simple.  The more you say, the more likely you'll say the wrong thing.

So nothing starts today.  No slabs.  No tows.  No sponsors. No digital.

Just the images of Will Adler, groping into our American past.  Shooting film, re-imagining an era he never experienced.

Why look back?  Because America isn't what it once was.  Surfing ain't either.  It's just what it is.  It's what we make it.

Photo: Will Adler Photo: Will Adler Photo: Will Adler

Photo: Will Adler Photo: Will Adler Photo: Will Adler

Photo: Will Adler Photo: Will Adler Photo: Will Adler


Billabong just announced that Tom Curren will face Mark Occhilupo in a "Clash of the Icons" heat at J-Bay.


I have nothing bad to say about this.

It's interesting to note the career numbers for this specialty match-up.  Curren and Occy last faced each other in 1988, ending their rivalry with an 8-8 record.  But all of Curren's 8 heat wins came in semis or finals, while most of Occy's were in early rounds.

It's also interesting to note the overall wins for these two icons: 33 event wins and a 70% heat win ration for Curren, compared to 12 event wins and a 55% win ratio for Occy.


No one in ASP history has a better event-win ratio than Tom Curren.  Slater surpassed Curren a few years back in terms of overall wins (40 now for Slater, 33 for Curren) but it actually took Slater more events to win 33.  Curren reached his 33rd win in 127 events, while Slater reached his 34th win in 163 events … leaving Curren with a 1:4 hit ratio to Slater’s 1:5.


I coincidentally re-discovered the trailer for "Beyond Blazing Boards" today - the first surf movie I ever saw. Check out Occ's air and Curren's vert hit. (The song is "Wild Child" by the Untouchables -I bought the vinyl back in '87 so I could psyche up for my grom sessions.)

In other ASP news, the Brazil event is on this morning, and speeding to a merciful death.

Everything is going according to script, except for Dustin Barca's advancement to the quarters at the expense of Bobby Martinez and Jordy Smith.  The muscle milk is working!

From the Department of Travesty

I hate to write two posts in a row about women's professional surfing, but this estrogen-drenched cuntery is impossible to ignore.

Here's the short story: The Women’s Mr Price Pro in South Africa (a key WQS event) did not crown a 2009 champion, due to "adverse surf and weather conditions."

Sucks right? It's happened a few times before in ASP history - remaining competitors are left to split points and prizemoney when the waiting period passes and the waves never get big enough to surf.

Thing is, that's not why the Mr Price Pro was cancelled.  Turns out, on the women's tour "adverse surf" means that it's too big, not too small.

Here's what the waves looked like on the day they called off competition:


I shit you not, Kemosabe.  Take a look at the press release.

Here are some stellar quotes from said press release, including some justification from female pros:

Female surfers breathed a collective sigh of relief from the safety of the shoreline... as organisers of the Mr Price Pro Ballito were forced to call the event off, due to hazardous surf conditions.

Enormous walls of water in the three-meter region (8-10ft), pummeled the KwaDukuza coastline leaving even the bravest of surfers hoping they wouldn’t have to compete.

"When we got down here today I think it was bigger than 10 foot and there were two local guys that went out and only got one wave each,” said reigning South African Champion Heather Clark. “The first guy fell on his face and the other just had one big take-off - he made it, but it looked a bit sketchy and just too out of control for the girls.”

“The competitors felt conditions were too extreme and too dangerous,” commented event director Pierre Tostee. “All attempts were made throughout the day to surf at Tinley Manor but in the interest of safety, we have decided to call the Mr Price Pro Ballito off for the day.”


Just to clarify, for any medically-diagnosed morons who happen to be reading: this is a fucking disgrace.  Pure and monkey-simple.  These women are professional surfers - supposedly the best on earth.  There is absolutely no physiological reason that women should not surf as well as men.

And bitch please, do not even THINK about writing some comment about muscle-mass accounting for the sorry state of women's surfing over the last 50 years.  Layne Beastly easily has more muscle on her self-promoting frame than Rob Machado.  Top pro Roseanne Hodge is 5'10 and 150 pounds - there's no reason why Adriano de Souza (generously listed at 5'6" and 137) should out-power her.


The sad thing is,  a new generation of female surfers are FINALLY stepping up and proving that they are capable of surfing at a high level.  I am not disparaging the abilities of Stephanie Gilmore, Carissa Moore, and their cohorts.  They are on the brink of proving that women can surf just as well as men.

Which is why it's so important that female pros stop pulling bullshit like this, while offering quotes like "it looked a bit sketchy and just too out of control for the girls." The subtext of that quote is clear: girls need special treatment when it comes to professional surfing, because they're, like, more fragile than men, or something.

Why should the surf industry take these women seriously when they seemingly do not take themselves seriously?

Sell-Out of the Week: Karina Petroni!

It's time to announce the latest PostSurf Sell-Out of the Week!

Like almost everyone else who works in the surf industry, this whorish schemer has hopped into bed with corporations in order to extend the glide.  Don’t be hatin’ - we all do it!  Difference is, Karina Petroni does it like a porn star.  And for that, she deserves to be celebrated.

Now I'm going to drop the truth on you: When Ladyfingers here steps up to the podium, she ought to thank Surfermag before she thanks Jesus Christ.  This poison petifore can WORK it, but Surfermag deserves to share her award.

Case in point: Karina's "Advertorial Product Spotlight: CASIO Exilim™ Mobile Phone" on


In all fairness, it's probably Surfer Magazine who should be ashamed of themselves.  Someone once famously anointed Surfer "The Bible of Our Sport."

Well, it's safe to say no one has ever even remotely considered calling "The Online Bible of Our Sport."  (Scott Bass deserves an award for that fact.)

Surfermag is only updated about twice a week, so when a story gets put up, it better be good.  Usually, it is not.

Now Surfermag has taken the bold step of presenting a photo gallery of this cracker Eva Braun clone with a phone.  It's an Ad disguised as a story.  Yes, I know, that's pretty much what all surf mag stories are.  But like Transworld's Gear Guide, actual advertorial features are an escalation in the degradation of surf media.  And correctly referring to it as "advertorial" does not make it OK.


As for Karina Petroni, I don't even know where to start in offering you a neat summation of this deranged, self-involved pony and the fuckery that is her career.  I think I'll have to save a complete breakdown for another post.

If nothing else, Ms. Petroni deserves a place in our hearts for her compassionate-fascism, as detailed in Surfing Magazine's '08 "If I Were President" article.

"As president of the greatest country in the whole world, I would lower the income tax to 10 percent.  If God is satisfied with 10 percent, the IRS should be as well.  Why do I have to pay 50 percent of my earnings while traveling around the, living out of a suitcase, dragging boardbags around - just so I can give my money to people who are too lazy to get off their rear ends?  Nor will I give my money to illegal aliens.  My Norwegian mother came in legally, so did my father's grandparents.  Nobody gave them a penny.  America was founded on people like that, not freeloaders living off other people's earnings.  All killing of the unborn babies would end immediately.  I love saving dolphins, sharks, whales and all sea creatures, but I believe the murder of innocent babies is the darkest stain on our nation..."

OK then... Sounds like Rasta has found his new mermaid - she loves helping to save all sea creatures, but she HATES helping freeloading brown people who sneak into our country!


On the ASP and Relevancy


This is a tale of two surfers, and two forms of surfing.

The ASP Brazil event kicked off a few days ago.  In the first heat of the event, Tim Boal beat Jordy Smith, 12.66 to 6.10.  Who knows what Boal did to beat Jordy - replays are not available.  You'll never know, unless you were in Brazil, or watching the bare-bones webcast before the dawn in California.

Perhaps this is only fitting, as Tim Boal is a bit of a mystery man. What I can tell you: So far, in his rookie year, Boal has beat top-ranked surfers such as Fred "Pistachio" and Jordy Smith.  Now Boal's rated =25th in the world, same as Kelly Slater.

That ought to be enough to gain a young surfer a bit of recognition, yes?

No.  At least not in America.

Case in point:  Surfline just ran an article, "Surfing Disneyland," about Redbull's Mentawais Trip.    Tim Boal and Jordy Smith were both on the trip, along with 11 other pro surfers.

In the opening slide, a group photo (see below) Surfline lists the names of all the surfers on the trip, from Kolohe Andino down to Peruvian grom Cristobal de Col.  Everyone is accounted for... except poor Tim Boal.  They identify that poor custard pudding bastard as "unidentified."


That shows you just how much Boal's heat win over Jordy Smith was worth.

Meanwhile, Jordy Smith has recently received the most press any surfer has gotten since Slater won number 9.  The media frenzy had nothing to do with heat wins.  It had everything to do with performance surfing: Jordy's rodeo flip clip earned the youngster (and Redbull) coverage from nearly every site out there -- from blogs to Surfing Mag, Transworld to ESPN.  Perhaps most interestingly, Jordy's flip made it to the homepage via GrindTV.

As a result, the clip has gotten 1,781,218 views on GrindTV alone.  For reference, Josh Sleigh's kickflip on Transworld got 5,571 views - and those are big numbers for Transworld.

It's safe to say that Jordy Smith won that round against Tim Boal.  While Jordy's air reached millions, barely anyone else even seems to have noticed that Boal was on the trip.  Surfline apparently doesn't even know who Tim Boal is.


Cynics might scoff that this post is simply a chance to mock Surfline for their oversight, and then mock them some more for running a story about the Redbull Mentawais trip, when everyone else already ran that sponsor-fed story two weeks ago.

But my point is simply this: With this latest coma-inducing ASP event, the ASP is making the most convincing arguement yet for the ASP's irrelevancy.

Comment of the Week: TurtleGate


Comment of the Week goes to Jiggy Jig, who helped deepen the TurtleGate controversy by sharing his recollections of turtle-hunting on the North Shore in the 1960s.  See below.

As TurtleGate entered its sixth day, PostSurf's investigation uncovered further shocking revelations.

Big wave legend Greg Noll, in a 1997 Surfer's Journal article, revealed the existense of a secret society of North Shore turtle killers.

"There was a whole competition then on who could get the biggest turtle.  Jose (Angel), Pat (Curren), Buzzy (Trent), Neil Tobin, Warren Harlow, about a half a dozen guys were into it," Noll recalled.  "I've got the shell of what Jose claimed was his biggest-ever turtle in my house."

Noll even provides photographic evidence: It appears that the parents of Tom Curren, the most influential surfer in history, were turtlekillers. Dear Lord.

As the Surfer's Journal and various other surfing publications have proven, Pat Curren and Greg Noll are literally incapable of doing anything wrong, ever.

So, forced to choose between exonerating Andrew Mooney or demonizing Pat Curren, we're going to have to let Mooney off the hook for his comparably tame turtle abuse.

But who knows?  As TurtleGate enters it's second week, anything is possible.

Comment of the Week

jiggy jig says: June 23, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Rasta took the easy way out. He could be top 5 talent, or maybe top ten, or maybe even a world champ. (Remember this site was born from power rankings of the pro-tour so spare me all the “competition isn’t the only measure of talent greeniebro rants. It is the only true measure of talent in the sport.

The truth is, will never know the extent of Rastas competitive surfing talent because he never stepped up to the plate. I’m sure there are “Babe Ruths” out there who have never touched a bat. Do they count? Nope. Not for shit. Is it even worse to be a fringe element media boy milking manatees and putting lotion on turtles nipples every time they get a rash dragging themselves up the beach while claiming world class talent? Yep. It’s like some guy doing baseball videos where he hits ball out of the park and does adds for gloves and bats like he’s a contender but come game time he is running around telling everyone not to tear up the grass with their cleats because it leads to global warming. And flying around the world to different stadiums to do so.

Wanna be green? Stay the fuck home and grow vegetables. Bodysurf naked with no fins. Get a normal job in your hometown and do volunteer work or some shit. Don’t prance around the world acting like buddhas bitch and preaching holier than thou bullshit about “saving the earth”. You are the problem, not the solution. Don’t go posing in adds that sell petro boardshorts while riding a “wooden finless board shaped on location” in some far flung indo spot that is being destroyed by “eco surf tourism” unless you fucking swam there from Sydney and carved the plank with your own teeth.

“green pro surfers” are the ultimate hypocrites. Should I buy their products because Rasta brushes his teeth with turtle shit? Not so much. The only joy the surf industry ever brought me was selling 50,000 shares of zqk short right before it plunged to fuck all. Took the money, bought a hummer, went to Bali and had a turtle steak and some satay eagle.

By the way, my “uncles” were guys like Harry Hackman and Jose Angel and and they used to bring home huge turtles and we ate them on the north shore in the 60s. Tasted great and kept the shark population down. Before leashes, before sponsors, before 4oz cloth, before thrusters, before internet surf checks, before Blue Crush, back when sex on the north shore was two minutes alone in the shower with a fresh bar of ivory and a callused hand.

Back when men were men and turtles were scarce.

Of course our boards sucked and so did our surfing.

But man, those turtles knew their place.

PHOTO DISPATCH: John S. Callahan

Tom Curren.  Sunset.  Photo: JS CALLAHAN / TROPICALPIX.COM

Tom Curren. Sunset. Photo: JS CALLAHAN / TROPICALPIX.COM

JS Callahan was kind enough to share with PostSurf these iconic photographs from an era passed, along with his recollections:

"15 images of Olde School North Shore Power Surfing.

Men were men, waves were big and mean, and turns were done with the rail buried. Nary a little kid, an air nor a tailslide to be seen.

Lunatics like Marvin Foster went left at Waimea for attention and photos.

Promotional video was in its infancy, auteurs sweated and toiled with cumbersome 16mm film cameras, cursing sun-blocking overcast and clouds; blown tube rides that wasted precious film stock were roundly cursed."

Bragging rights go to the reader who first identifies all surfers below.

For more of Callahan's work, check out and .

Speaking of eras passed: The ASP Brazil event kicked off this morning.  So far, it smells like a musty 80s grovel throwback.  Retro is in.  Live feed here.

Tom Carroll, Pipeline.  Photo: JS Callahan / Dane Kealoha. Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan /

Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan /

Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan /

Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan /

Photo: JS Callahan / Photo: JS Callahan /

Laird’s Ego Nearly Spans America

Honestly, I'm still trying to piece together what this fuckery is all about.

I was unaware of it up until this morning, when I came across this headline on "CAR ACCIDENT STOPS TEAM SURFING USA; Race Across America Screeches To Halt As Jason Winn Gets Hit By Car."


Make sense so far?  I didn't think so.

Maybe these quotes from Laird will help clear things up:

"We were just getting started. We came for this moment and all the sudden it was war. What an intense thing. It was awesome. Jason got hit by the car, and that was the crescendo to the whole thing.”

“You couldn’t hit somebody on a bike better unless you were trying,” said Laird of his teammate Jason Winn’s unfortunate collision with the Team Strong Heart crew van. “It’s like he was just riding along and the car hooks a right. For not trying, those guys did a hell of a job…”

“Maybe we’re not pro bike racers or peddlers or whatever,” says Hamilton, “but the mentality of dealing with this type of situation and getting ready for war —we were just getting a taste of it when we were run over by a car.”

Still confused?  I am too - why did Laird think it was "awesome" when his teammate got hit by a van?  Why does Laird keep bragging about how it was "like war" - has anyone told him there are actual wars going on that are actually like war?

And what the fuck does any of this have to do with surfing?

Well, Laird Hamilton and his ego are involved.  That's what.

Also, Laird decided to use this trans-continental bike race to promote his signature line of standup paddleboards.  Surfermag logically explains "At the race’s conclusion (Hamilton) has opted to stand-up paddle to and around the Statue of Liberty" and the "first leg of their amphibious trek across America" was a 110-mile standup paddle from Malibu to Oceanside.

Here's the team at the onset of the race: I have no idea who the fuck these tapioca bastards are.  Research reveals "Team Surfing USA" is made up of a 76-year-old gym owner, a rock star, and an ex-Texas Tech quarterback.


Do any of them surf? Unclear.  But I guess bike racing is a team sport - much to the chagrin of Mr. Hamilton:

"When the rock star went in the wrong direction at the launch – that hurt us a bit, for sure,” says Laird Hamilton of Rage Against The Machine bassist Tim Commerford’s inadvertent paddle a half-mile in the wrong direction at the start.

And now that quarterback got sacked by a van somewhere in Middle America, forcing Laird and Team Surfing USA to pull out of the race.

If you want to make more sense of this story, you'll have to wade through all 7 updates yourself and see if any context emerges.

I will offer this caveat: While pontificating about feats of physical prowess, Laird does briefly mention that "the message in this case, is to benefit Lou Gehrig’s Disease and autism.”

I'll let that quote speak for itself.


TurtleGate Day3: Michael Jackson Dead!!

As TurtleGate enters Day Three, TMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson is dead.  Shortly after 3pm, on the live NSSA webcast, Peter Mel confirmed this report.


"Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon at his Holmby Hills home and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back," TMZ Reported.

Thus far, PostSurf has been unable to confirm reports that Jackson's death is unrelated to the TurtleGate scandal, which is now entering it's third day. PostSurf has also been unable to contact Alex Knost regarding his involvement in TurtleGate and Michael Jackson's death.

UPDATE: The New York Times has confirmed reports of Jackson's passing. "A Los Angeles city official confirmed that Michael Jackson is dead. The official said he died at 1:07 p.m. Pacific time."  In this article, The New York Times referred to Alex Knost as "a teenage professional surfer with a 1970's surf-shag hairdo."

PostSurf has also been unable to confirm reports that JGR Copa engineered a meeting between Michael Jackson and a turtle shortly before his demise, in hopes of diverting attention from JGR Copa lead-covered bodyboards.

PostSurf will attempt to provide additional details concerning this developing story and TurtleGate, as, um, details develop.