Tag Archives: ASP World Tour

LONG TIME COMING

We're in the midst of summer doldrums.  No ASP events running, no big swells to hype, no big controversies that haven't already been covered.  Nothing to do but drink and fornicate... and endlessly gossip about Kelly Slater's new Super-Dreamy Tour.
It's an understatement to say that the online speculation concerning this new World Tour has been [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 1-5

Kelly Slater
Why is Kelly Slater back at number one in the Power Rankings?  Because he holds the fate of the ASP in his hands.  If that isn’t power, I don’t know what is.  The question now is will Kelly use his vast influence for good or evil?  Lately, ASP insiders are looking at their talented [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 6-10

Damien Hobgood
You don’t finish runner-up at J-Bay twice by mistake.  Unless you’re Damien Hobgood, that is.  Shades of Peter Sellars in Being There, as Damo somehow won heat after heat, despite being seemingly only dimly aware of his surroundings, what year it was, and perhaps even what his name is.  A touch of Zen, too, [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 11-15

Jordy Smith
Jordy Smith has an image problem.  He’s a winner, but he’s not a likeable winner.  Worse yet, he’s not even winning.  But if he were to win a title, or even an event, he’d be the least likeable champion since Andy Irons.  Confidence is necessary; but Jordy’s arrogance is icing on the cake.  I [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 41-45

Drew Courtney
Remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when that Illinois Nazi drinks from the wrong Holy Grail, and ends up rapidly aging to death?  That is what it’s been like watching Drew Courtney surf the last three events.  I used to think this tapioca fuckwit was Ben Button, growing old [...]

J-Bay POWER RANKINGS: Intro

There will be Power Rankings.  Why? I don't know.
Joel Parkinson will be the 2009 World Champion.  Why?  We do know.
Meanwhile, a 30 minute lull in South Africa, which happened to coincide with Kelly Slater's heat, may have put a bullet through the brain of the ASP.  Plenty of irony on tap, as the Billabong Pro [...]

LOVE and FORGIVENESS

Dear ASP,
They say that love never means having to say you're sorry.  But I'm writing to say just that, Sweetheart, I'm sorry.  I'm eternally sorry for all the horrible things I've said about you, and I apologize in addition for the horrible things I've done to you.  You were right and I was wrong.
These past [...]

Hang Loose pro Brasil contestam relatório!

Se uma coisa é certa depois do Hang Loose Pro 2009, é que o Brasil chegou como um surf nação. Adriano de Souza, reconhecida por muitos anos como o próximo Kelly Slater, perante o seu herói no final de uma competição que ficará na história como talvez a mais bela em ASP história. Apesar de [...]

On the ASP and Relevancy

This is a tale of two surfers, and two forms of surfing.
The ASP Brazil event kicked off a few days ago.  In the first heat of the event, Tim Boal beat Jordy Smith, 12.66 to 6.10.  Who knows what Boal did to beat Jordy - replays are not available.  You'll never know, unless you were [...]

CONFLICTS of INTEREST

Watching the Billabong Pro Tahiti webcast brings to mind some obvious surf industry conflicts of interest.  Other sport leagues believe that conflicts of interest delegitimize professional sport.  Therefore, they go to lengths to avoid them.  But the ASP?
Bitch, pleeeeease!
Let's consider three examples:

1) Wildcards: Think about this one for a second.  How fuckin' absurd is it [...]

The Art of Elimination

I've been pondering subtraction.  It's an appropriate subject for foreign shores - as Americans, we're raised to focus on what we can add to our life, instead of what we can take away.  We're a culture that's been adding objects and responsibilities and new lines of communication for years.  Now that the crises (as everyone [...]

More Media Fuckery

Surfline.com just put up their "Power Rankings."
What a fucking joke!!!!

Who the fuck writes this piece of shit article every month?  I don't have much time to write because unlike some people I actually have a real job, I don't just spend my time watching surf contests on the computer and then acting like it makes [...]

Bobby Revisited

I interviewed Bobby Martinez last fall in Mundaka, at one of the least-attended events in ASP history (not counting every Brazilian event, of course.)  I already posted the first part of this unused interview - here's the second part of our discussion, which centered on the apathy that swept through the ranks  as Kelly dominated [...]

Truffle Shuffle

A couple weeks ago I claimed Kekoa Bacalso in my rookie preview for Surfline.  I'm a big fan of Kekoa's surfing - he has a unique approach to both power and fitness.  With this in mind, I compared Kekoa to Chunk from the seminal 1985 classic The Goonies.
So I was quite pleased to see Kekoa [...]