Tag Archives: j-bay power rankings

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 1-5

Kelly Slater
Why is Kelly Slater back at number one in the Power Rankings?  Because he holds the fate of the ASP in his hands.  If that isn’t power, I don’t know what is.  The question now is will Kelly use his vast influence for good or evil?  Lately, ASP insiders are looking at their talented [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 6-10

Damien Hobgood
You don’t finish runner-up at J-Bay twice by mistake.  Unless you’re Damien Hobgood, that is.  Shades of Peter Sellars in Being There, as Damo somehow won heat after heat, despite being seemingly only dimly aware of his surroundings, what year it was, and perhaps even what his name is.  A touch of Zen, too, [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 11-15

Jordy Smith
Jordy Smith has an image problem.  He’s a winner, but he’s not a likeable winner.  Worse yet, he’s not even winning.  But if he were to win a title, or even an event, he’d be the least likeable champion since Andy Irons.  Confidence is necessary; but Jordy’s arrogance is icing on the cake.  I [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 16-20

Kai Otton
What a nut-up by Kai Otton. This hairy Howard Hughes of a recluse pulled his Spruce Goose out of a season-long tailspin and soared all the way to the semis at J-Bay.  Against Parko, he kept believin’ even when Parko opened up with an arguable 10 – Kai answered back with his own arguable [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 21-25

Tim Reyes
Now that his hair has grown out a bit, I’ve finally realized what’s creepy about Tim Reyes: he very closely resembles a ventriloquist’s dummy.  Next time Tim wins a heat and gets interviewed by GT, I’m going to look carefully and determine whether GT is talking out of the side of his mouth with [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 26-30

Ben Dunn
Along with Drew Courtney, Ben Dunn is one of only a handful of Australian competitors who are confirmed to have marsupial pouches. While Mr. Courtney now reportedly keeps Nivea cream in his pouch, Mr. Dunn keeps a heat sheet, a waterproof copy of The Indian in the Cupboard, and ironically, a small Indian.  That [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 31-35

Nathaniel Curran
Nathaniel Curran needs a handler.  Enough with the stock-thrusters, stock-cars and Alpine Allstars shorts.  The Fast and The Furious came out like a generation ago.  It’s time for an image reload.  What to do, what to do?  Put this cat on a retro fish, let him grow his hair out, and put him in [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 36-40

Tiago Pires
As TurtleGate enters its 26th day, PostSurf has uncovered shocking evidence that Tiago Pires may in fact be the gentle turtle that was raped by Australian deviant Andrew Mooney.  The conspiracy goes deeper than even I anticipated.  Way back in late March 2009, Anthony W. won Comment of the Week for the following:
“Portugal… country [...]

J-BAY POWER RANKINGS: 41-45

Drew Courtney
Remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when that Illinois Nazi drinks from the wrong Holy Grail, and ends up rapidly aging to death?  That is what it’s been like watching Drew Courtney surf the last three events.  I used to think this tapioca fuckwit was Ben Button, growing old [...]

J-Bay POWER RANKINGS: Intro

There will be Power Rankings.  Why? I don't know.
Joel Parkinson will be the 2009 World Champion.  Why?  We do know.
Meanwhile, a 30 minute lull in South Africa, which happened to coincide with Kelly Slater's heat, may have put a bullet through the brain of the ASP.  Plenty of irony on tap, as the Billabong Pro [...]

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