Tag Archives: power rankings


What's most interesting to me at this point about Surfline's "new and improved Power Rankings" (as described objectively by Surfline's editor) is that they feature yet another attempt by Surfline to stifle dissent from their audience.
Like all Surfline features, the comments section for the new rankings is moderated.
Unsurprisingly, I received a large number of emails [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 1-5

Joel Parkinson
Bells Result: 1 Previous Result: 1 ASP Rating: 1
Well that was relatively easy.  After breezing to two seemingly preordained victories, Parko’s all but secured the World Title.  He’s like an NBA player on the free-throw line now, who only needs to make 1 of 2 to seal the deal and prevent the game from [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 6-10

Taj Burrow
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 3 ASP Rating: 7
Poor Taj.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  In recent years, Taj has revealed his deep desire to emulate Cocoa Beach’s most famous son.  Unfortunately for Taj, his personal trainer thinks Carrot Top, not Kelly Slater, is Cocoa Beach’s most famous son.  (According to Wiki, Carrot [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 11-15

Kekoa Bacalso
Bells Result: 5 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =9
On a more serious note: it’s a well-know fact that surf journalists cannot write about Hawaiians with anything approaching candor.  My former employer was happy to let me throw Brazilians or Euros under the bus.  But when it came to Hawaiians, even Hawaiian haoles, I was [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 16-21

Drew Courtney
Bells Result: 9 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =14
One of the most common mistakes novice drunk drivers make is going too slow.  If you’re driving 15 MPH and swerving like a sidewinder, everyone knows you’re plastered.  But if you’re fanging it in 5th gear, people are going to notice the pure speed before they [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 22-27

Kelly Slater
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =24
Lately, I feel old.  Hedonistic, selfish pursuits don’t consistently bring me the same joy that they used to.  When I get wasted, I have fun, but I’m haunted by the fact that in my 20s I got more wasted, and had more fun.  When I surf, [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 28-33

Michael Campbell
Bells Result: 17 Previous Result: 33 ASP Rating: =29
From a historical perspective, when an Aussie thinks of backside surfing at Bells, they think of Mark Occhilupo and little else.  But throughout the late 80s and early 90s, Damien Hardman ruled the Bells bowl with a methodical precision.  With the help of high-volume, low rocker [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 34-39

Greg Emslie
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 17 ASP Rating: =29
Everything you possibly need to know about Greg “Bigfoot” Emslie can be learned by watching the seminal 1987 film “Harry and Hendersons,” backwards, while simultaneously listening to side two of Led Zeppelin IV, also backwards, while trying to snort lines of vintage angel dust cut with [...]

Bells Power Rankings: 40-45

OK, kids.  The Power Rankings live on - on Postsurf, for now.  I'll be putting up a handful a day over the course of the next week.  Let's start with the bottom dwellers.

Miky Picon
Bells Result: 33 Previous Result: 33 Rating: =39
Many cynics scoff that the ASP is poised on the brink of irrelevancy: a [...]

More Media Fuckery

Surfline.com just put up their "Power Rankings."
What a fucking joke!!!!

Who the fuck writes this piece of shit article every month?  I don't have much time to write because unlike some people I actually have a real job, I don't just spend my time watching surf contests on the computer and then acting like it makes [...]


I didn't get to see a picture of rookie Drew Courtney before writing about him.
After seeing his headshot, all I can say is "That is some Benjamin Button shit right there!"  He's got to be 40.
I hope for Drew's sake he's aging in reverse, cause he's a rookie and he already looks past retirement age.
I [...]

Is This Real Life?

In the rare instances in which I actually leave my house, it's a common occurrence for someone to "get up in my grill" concerning something I've written in the Power Rankings.  It always shocking when said someone begins reciting by heart something I've written (occasionally it's something I've written about them - see Luke Stedman [...]

I Wish my Dog Paid as Much Attention to What I Said

Good ol' Stab Mag released their 2008 Stab Awards and Mr. Luke Stedman won for "Fastest Body Transformation."
After a few riveting responses concerning Stedman's shirtless torso and skincare tips, Stab closed with the following question:
Stab: Finally, who is that little man on Surfline (Lewis Samuels) who seems intent on the assassination of your character?
Luke Stedman: [...]